Sagepaper

Last week I got my lungs in a mess while hyper-smoking while senior-sitting some from Monday to Wednesday. Thursday, I smoked more than my norm, but much less than I had the previous few days. Friday, I cut back to normal, but was coughing-up little flecks of blood again. I was sick and worried, and had the luxury of my husband being gone. I smoked a single pack of cigarettes from Saturday to Monday afternoon. I quit smoking when I ran out, and slapped a patch on. Today I changed the patch.

I need to go senior-sit tonight again. This was sudden news. It's okay, I can do it, and I even have the first Harry Potter book to read to them. Here's the catch: I have to remove the patch and buy a pack of cigarettes. Now this whole line of thinking is probably just my addiction borrowing the rest of my brain to direct its own thinking and writing. However, I have a history of being terribly irritable when quitting smoking, even with a patch or other nicotine source. Now, I get upset when I get irritable with my husband, and he's used to it. I cannot subject my elderlies to the full-wrath of Day Two withdrawal.

Ideally, I would take a "wait-and-see" approach, and try to continue abstinence. If that proved to be a problem, I could then decide to give up and get cigarettes. But, I can't leave the ladies to go to the store. So, here comes the same reasoning posted once earlier. If I won't be able to smoke, and have a raving nic-fit, it will be awful. The awful would be worse than usual, because the symptoms of needing to smoke would be unpleasant for two very pleasant elders. So, I must ensure that does not happen. The only way to do that is to buy a pack of cigarettes. I am a Space-Cookie, as a friend has nick-named me. You can't smoke with the patch. Patch removal is just the type of thing I would forget. Soooo, I have to go ahead and take the patch off while I'm thinking about it. But, it is an hour and a half until I am supposed to arrive with dinner. They only live ten minutes away. Soooo, aaarrrgh!!!

Tomorrow is another day. I'm worried that I might be giving-up unnecessarily. I have had a meds tune-up since the last time I tried to quit. I am likely to be less irritable. So here's the plan: I will leave the patch on, then I will buy cigarettes, then I will pick-up carry-out, then I will go to their house and eat with them and read Harry Potter to them. I will hope for divine intervention to prevent me, a hopeless cigarette addict, from smoking the cigarettes I bought.

So, I will make-believe I am trying, but we all know I am flopping again.

That's okay, though. The reduced smoking weekend, and slightly over 24 hrs. cessation has given my lungs some much needed recovery time. This exercise has not been in vain.

(Isn't it amazing how I can find a way to pin the responsibility-for-my-actions tail somewhere other than on my own ass.)