Sagepaper

Well, the problem is not smoking just one, as I had thought. The problem is smoking just one more. I spent five minutes today just smoking one cigarette. The rest of the day, I kept smoking just one more. Tomorrow, I will try again.

My experience with respiratory illness is a mixed blessing when it comes to quitting smoking. I don't feel well. I know I am just at the head of the trail, though. I could get sicker and still be okay. My declines have accelerated in the past few years. I am home alone. I don't really want to die on the kitchen floor unable to make a cup of first-aid coffee. I have at times in the past gone down so fast with asthma that my octogenarian great-aunt was all there was between me and death.

I'm sliding a bit on the more chronic problems, but quitting smoking for a little over 24 hours improved things. I am feeling more wheezing, though. I cannot tolerate sugar right now -- it is mucogenic, and snot does not help, in my nose, throat, or lungs. The beginning of intolerance for foods is not a happy omen. I have at times been so ill that dry toast and unbuttered grits were all I could stand to eat. That's how I finally became a Southerner of sorts. I learned to like grits. I had previously described grits to the uninitiated as being like Cream of Sandpaper.

Anyway, I have smoked a lot more today than I expected. I went to my Dad's to elder-sit my 90-year-old grandmother and my great aunt, who used to rescue me, but now lives there instead of here. Somewhere between stress (my carry-out delivery suffered a mishap), boredom, excessive heat, and attempting to entertain them with Reader's Digest jokes, I ended-up smoking a lot. I always smoke too much when I go over there, but I outdid myself tonight.

So, only a few cigarettes left in the pack I bought this afternoon. Hmmm. I could put a patch on, and smoke one to tide me over until the patch kicks in. If I do that, the patch will keep me up all night. It is better to put the patch on in the morning. I could just take my night time medicine, and smoke what is left of my cigarettes and awaken to no temptation. The problem is, tonight might be one of those can't get to sleep nights (rare now). If I can't get to sleep, I will need more cigarettes -- BUT I won't be able to go get them because I will have taken my nighttime meds.

So, the only logical choice would seem to be for me to go buy another pack now, while I can, try to take my nighttime meds and go to sleep. The problem is the matter of the excess cigarettes. I could flush them down the toilet on my way to bed. BUT what if I get up in the night, need nicotine, cannot yet wear the patch, and cannot drive -- with no cigarettes, this would be a problem. Alternatively, I could go get a pack of cigarettes now, while I can. Bring them home, and take my nighttime meds. Smoke until I go to sleep, and get up tomorrow with no late-night nicotine deprivations. I would face a new day, and the chance to wear the patch in the morning. The only problem left is the nic-fit I have upon awakening. I would need nicotine before the patch could start working. So, I should put the patch on, smoke one cigarette, and destroy the others.

Afterall, one won't hurt!